I HATE Elliptical Machines.

I’m starting to think it would be easier for my husband to join a gym (this is said with the full knowledge that I joined one and never go).

A few years ago, I wrote about my “adventures” with our elliptical (you can re-read that here--it's titled, "The Four-Hour Window."). Ultimately, the machine was replaced by a Nordic Track.

Well, it’s starting to make a clunking noise—the noise, which last time, was the precursor to the entire machine breaking in half (maybe I married the Hulk?)—and the fan doesn’t work. Or rather, it doesn’t change speeds.

So my husband asked me to call and have them come out to look at it.

The first time I called, they kept me on hold, played a message that they were experiencing high call volume and that I could leave my number and they’d call me back in the order in which it was received.

Three weeks later, I’m still waiting for a callback.

So, I decided to call again.

It’s been 43 minutes. I’ve been put on hold about five times. They’ve tried to diagnose the problem over the phone, even though I said “The fan doesn’t work and the machine is making a noise.”  They are trying to determine what parts need ordering (how about a fan?). They wanted to know what kind of surface the machine sits on and could I move it somewhere else (no, it’s in my basement and I can’t move it—it’s big!). They wanted me to try the fan to see if it worked (because my husband wouldn’t know if it was working?). They muted me at one point and I’m pretty sure they said nasty things about me because I’m quickly losing my patience.

I’m now waiting for someone else to get on the phone to schedule an appointment.

The woman they gave me to for appointment scheduling can’t understand the previous person’s notes and wants to rediagnose the machine. I’m not sure why they think their phone operators are going to be able to do something that a technician is specially trained to do, but I’m not sitting on the phone for another 49 minutes.

She finally got back to me and informed me, after a total of 59 minutes on the phone, that when the part comes in, I need to call the service place for an appointment.

All of this took an hour?

I think I’m buying my husband a gym membership for Father’s Day. And they are not going to be happy with the results of my "Satisfaction Survey."