How To Be A Band Mom

Now that marching band season is over, we move onto concert season. As a band mom, I will fully admit to hoping at each game our football team loses so we don’t have to continue to march in December, when it’s cold. My penance for those terrible thoughts is helping to fit about 150 boys and girls for their concert attire.

Here are a few things I learned:

• It is easy to tell which kids have gone to sleep away camp—they’re the ones who start stripping in the hallway in front of everyone.

• Boys have no idea what size they wear. In some cases, I’m not sure they’re even aware they wear clothes. This makes fitting them, with their neck and sleeve and pants sizes, time consuming.

• Girls, on the other hand, have shirts and skirts that come in one size, despite their many curves and body differences.

• Making sure the boys can sit in the pants they are wearing is important, and saves the band teachers from many embarrassing last-minute conversations before a concert. However, trying to find a way to explain that to the boys so I don’t get sued, takes all of my English-major skills.

• Best follow up question when I tell them to sit? “I don’t sit when I play.” My answer, “Do you plan on sitting in your car to get here, though?”

• You know what also takes all of my English-major skills? Trying to explain to the girls, in semi-public, why the shirt or the skirt in their typical size not fitting doesn’t mean anything body-image wise.

• Coming up with the correct words to explain to freshman girls that their boobs might get bigger during the four years they will be wearing these shirts, and therefore, these shirts should be a little roomy, is also a challenge, especially when they don’t know me.

• Boys look like penguins in the tuxedos—especially when the pants don’t allow them to sit.

• The girls look like they’re Amish. Or like nuns. They are neither.

• Asking the boys to replace the jacket and pants on a hanger is the perfect way to find out which kids’ parents clean their rooms.

For all the parents who come to the concerts this year, unless you plan to volunteer for next year’s fittings, I’d suggest you don’t say a word about what the kids are wearing, especially in my earshot.