An Idiot's Guide to Makeup

Not that my blog is that deep to begin with, but I’m going to go shallow today. There are too many things to stress over, the world has become the prologue to a dystopian YA novel and frankly, we all need an escape. So today, I’m talking about makeup. Specifically, my “how the hell can you still be female and not know this” side of it. Because when it comes to makeup, I am woefully ignorant.

I know the products I use and basically how to use them. I admire other products and techniques, but haven’t a clue what they’re for or how to use them. And honestly, between the fact that my husband doesn’t like me in makeup and I have no desire to spend the time on it, I’m good as is.

I’m a writer. Most days I spend in my house at my keyboard. I get fully dressed because wearing sweats/t-shirts/yoga pants makes me feel schleppy/fat, and other than to walk the dog, you won’t find me in those—although I have to admit I’m kind of longing for some of the cute jogging outfits I see people wear; I just have to make sure they won’t require me to actually jog. But I digress.

I don’t usually wear makeup unless I’m going to see people.

This morning I was seeing people. So I had to wear at least something. I grabbed my cover up. It was empty. Luckily, I had bought two extras a few weeks ago.

Now, I like this brand of makeup because it’s reliable, inexpensive and actually matches my skin tone. It doesn’t make me look orange or unnaturally tan. The tube was the same shape, located in the same place and I assumed it was the same thing I’ve been buying for years. There wasn’t anything else to choose from either, and there was no empty spot on the counter.

I pulled it out and opened the package. It was the same brand and the same sized tube, but it looked different. But it said cover-up, so I assumed it was fine. I squeezed the tube and white lotion came out. Now, I’m pale, but not THAT pale. So I looked at the words on the tube, which were really small. They said something about color matching. That's a thing?

So I decided to go with it. I rubbed it in and I didn’t have blobs of white on my face. In fact, I think it actually does match my skin tone. Or it just faded away to nothing. Being the snarky, cynical person I am, I am equally willing to consider that I might have just been taken in by some marketing genius.

As the mom of two teenaged girls who are way more knowledgeable about makeup, I suppose I could ask for their opinions. I have to get up the nerve, though, since I just embarrassed myself with them over a gel manicure.

But that’s a story for another blog post.